Survival 101

DG, AG, Presidents and fellow toastmasters. Tonight I would like start my speech with a quick poll - how many of you have attended a concert before? Any concert - orchestra, pop singers, rock band? (show of hands) How many of you have attended a concert, but not as an audience, but as a performer on stage? ( show of hands) My question to you is - how did you do it? Survived the "ordeal" and performed successfully? ( if no one - have you ever wonder how did the performers do it?)

Recently I had the chance to do just that- perform on stage, and I barely survived! I am part of a semi commercial choir called Vox Camerata, made up of volunteers with a passion for singing. Every year we throw a concert to the public and invite our friends and family members to a night of beautiful choral music.  3 weeks ago, on 30 June 2012, the concert hnamed A Summer Soirée was my first concert on stage.... And i survived! For a beginner who zero stage experience and who is extremely shy standing in front of an audience, it was really no mean feat for me! I was so happy I survived it that I decided to develop a survival 101 guide to it, and tonight, I would like to share with you 3 tips on "How to survive a concert looking like a pro".

Survival tip no 1 - tame those butterflies! For any first timer going on stage, the first thing you would notice immediately is the glaring spot light, that make you extremely self conscious, on top of the fact that you are already carrying a whole bag of butterflies flying around within your tummy! Well, fret not,  a good friend of mine once told me that whenever I feel nervous on stage, I can use a trick - that is to imagine that the audience are all naked! So, if they are sitting there naked, they should be the ones embarrassed, not me!  At the start of concert, I tried this trick to some success. It nearly made me laugh, which helped to ease my tension a it. Hmmm... I wonder if I could use this trick for my toastmasters speeches? But that would be another different topic.

Survival tip no 2 - keep a poker face! After you conquer those butterflies you might actually get to relax and survey the whole concert hall. This is probably the time start searching for familiar faces in the audiences. But be careful less you get distracted, because the only person  your eyes should be looking at is your conductor! Many times, my conductor, being back facing the audience, had to grab our attention by doing this ( fingers).  We really could not blame him for being so attention seeking that night. Also, please resist any thing that will make you laugh. I remember one lady of our group very nearly tipped over her file in nervousness. Even if the file actually fell onto the floor, you must maintain your poker face, pretend nothing has happened and everything is under control.

Survival tip no 3 - have a broad beautiful smile. During the second half of the concert, disaster strikes! We were doing the carpenter piece - We've only just began- At a very awkward cadence of the piece,  the whole choir lost their key and could not blend together! It was a moment of total embarrassment and panick. From the audience, you can see some who caught on to that that started squirming in their seats; and some other started to smile. For those who are perfect pitched, we were so sorry we just killed them on the spot. That section of the piece would probably sounded like the screeching of breaks that pierced into their ears. We can literally see some of them tightened their grip on the side of their seat! And so, what should you do if you go off key? Smile! Smile a broad grin like this is the most beautiful piece you have done, and pray for the ending of the piece to come quickly! So for those who are tone deaf and clueless what just happened, check out our smiles. When you saw our broad grin, you'll know that something's wrong; and after the concert you can pretend you know all about it and talk intelligently.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you that if you follow my survival guide, you can go through any concert looking like a pro.  That night we sang to a full house and are even good enough to get to do our encore piece. Now if you still don't believe me, come join me at my choir Vox Camerata, and test of the tips yourself! I guarantee you, you will not be disappointed!

This speech was delivered at the Toastmasters Chapter Meeting. Evaluation - This is project 5 - your body speaks. There is not enough body movement and expression.

Own evaluation - in a bid to prevent myself from being to exaggerated, I have toned down too much, and missed achieving the desired effect. Also, the speech is too short, mainly because I forgot some key sentences and had to make up some new content on the spot.

Need better content management next time...

Who is the Susie in Your Life?

WET PANTS

A story that came through the email...

Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.'

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap..

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!'

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!'

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good... And if you happened to be this "boy" at certain parts of your life and met your "Susie", do be thankful with such rich blessings.

Bitten by a Bug

Good evening Mdm President and fellow toastmasters. Recently I have been terribly bitten by a bug and it was bad! I had to spend tons of money to treat it. However, I considered my money well spent since it was none other than the travel bug that bit me.

Tonight, allow me to share with you my latest adventure in Ho Chi Minh City, a city I visited 2 weeks ago with a girlfriend of mine. This was the second time to the same city which I visited also a year ago with my mum. So you can imagine the charm this city has on me.

HCM is the new Saigon and when we think of Saigon, we recall the cruel Vietnam war; a nation that weathered history and of course, the beautifully sad story of miss Saigon.  The famous Cu Chi tunnel is now a very well-run museum about the Vietnam War; with its intertwined underground tunnels and graphical presentation of the life of the Vietnamese during the war. I had the opportunity to crawl through a section of the narrow tunnel, something that all tourists would do when they visit the site. The crawl took barely a grand total of 20 mins but in the dark narrow passageway you can imagine the terror, the hardship and the undying endurance of the Vietnamese people. Their indigenous ways of survival and brilliant defense tactic against their enemies would move me and my mum deeply as we relived the life of a Vietnamese, even if it was for the moment.

Let me share with you a secret which I did not even share with my mum, it took me tremendous amount of courage to agree to crawl through the tunnel.  This may sound really innocent, but it was a horrible 20 mins for me. I am claustrophobic, that is I have the fear for small confined space. At some part of the tunnel I had to bend down to crawl through it, worst still, it was pitch dark! It took me every ounce of strength in my body to prevent myself from screaming my head off! So I did that crawl with my heart in my mouth and completed the longest 20 mins journey of my life! My mum even asked me why I looked a little green after the crawl. I was thankful that I wasn't looking white as a ghost after that episode!

Walking along the streets of the city, I was amazed that none of the war torn effects could be visibly seen. The city is neatly restored with beautifully landscaped roundabouts, a legacy of the French culture as a result of being a French colony of 80 years in the past. The streets are neat and clean, everywhere you can see the bustling of the economically vibrant city.  One particularly memorial street sight for me is the roads. The many narrow roads cutting through the city and even the broad new ones are filled with hordes of motorcycles, tricycles, mobile stalls and of course cars coming and going in all directions.  I think while they are already pretty modern, the government may not have discovered the many uses of a traffic light!  These are far and few in the city, and they don't command the same respect as our traffic lights do in Singapore! You can imagine how hard this is for a law abiding, rules compliant Singaporean like me? How was I ever going to cross the road?

As with all tourists, on this trip one of our key mission is to hunt down the famous local delicacy - the noodle soup. Pho as the locals call it. We refuse to compromise with those commercial versions sold in high class restaurants. We want the authentic one that locals would go for. So we went in search for a place called Pho Hoa, a well-kept secret eatery of the locals that is touted to serve the most deliciously authentic pho. I recall it was raining quite heavily during the lunchtime on the Saturday we were there. We were scrutinizing the map, trying to locate the place when it started pouring, and we had to buy ponchos so that we could continue our walk in the rain. And so, braving the rain and getting our shoes entirely soaked through, we finally found the place and were so hungry that we could eat a cow! And we got our wish - there was pho with beef brisket, pho with beef tendon, beef flank, beef tripe, mixed beef and even beef meatballs. So it was everything beef, it was also everything pho, and truly everything Vietnamese. The hot steaming tasty bowl of pho was heavenly and we were fully rewarded with our hard work and perseverance. Mission accomplished!

Now that we have satisfied our groaning stomach, how should we pamper our tired legs? What best to get a foot message? So we checked ourselves into a local foot message place besides our hotel, truly innocently thinking that we are going for just a foot message. Deliriously happy with our successful pho mission, we did not check on the price, nor did we ask how long it would take. The first alarm was the change of clothes. Why do we need to change clothes when it is only a foot message? We came to understand after all the sign languages that it was because the message will cover the upper thighs as well. So ok, in order not to offend them we changed into the clothes that they provided. Our masseurs were 2 men, but we think nothing of it. It was supposed to be a foot message only!   We were led to a rather big room with other people getting their messages, so we felt a little safer. Halfway through the message, danger came!  We were told to lie face down and they started giving us a back message, which we initially thought was well and good, value for money! But then, the started to take off our top, and we jumped! Gone was any kind of niceties. We firmly told them “no”, and thank God that “no” is still the world’s universal language. They understood and let go of our top. Afterwards we came to realize that they wanted to put hot stones on our back, which they did with our clothes on. It was so warm and soothing that this turned out to be the best part of the whole procedure that lasted nearly 2 hours. So all's well that ends well. We were safe, and we got our foot message, and a unique experience that we live to tell others another time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope I have given you enough reason to visit HCM. There are many more I could share with you tonight, but nothing beats you experiencing it yourself. So why not let the travel bug bite you just this once and visit this charming and amazing city that offers a lot more than you can imagine.

Project Evaluation - Too long, and could not manage within the stipulated time, as such, having to quickly end the speech with a weak closing. Keep to 3 points for comfortable content and time management.

The Stranger

A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?... ... …

We just call him 'TV.'

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod"

This came to me via an email. It is funny, yet ironic. I think the third child is "ipad"!

Man's Best Friend

President, toastmaster of the evening and friends. Yesterday a report in the news channel caught my eye. There was an adoption drive organized by the Action of Singapore Dogs, and 80 dogs were up for adoption. As I watched the news clip my heart melted at the sight of these furry friends, all waiting to go to a good home. And so tonight, I was moved to share with you my experience as a dog owner and hoped that after my speech you will be motivated to adopt a dog for your family too.

I still remember that fateful day that I stepped into the pet shop at Balestier 8 years ago and looked straight into the dark brown eyes of a golden retriever puppy. She has a sweet dainty face as compared to her sister, both just arrived from Australia. It was love at first sight. I know we are destined be with each other for the rest of her life. I have to admit, it was out of impulse that I decided to buy a dog. I was merely window shopping then! But that moment of folly turned out to be the best decision of my life. Six months later I was not repentant at all, I fell in love yet again, to a second dog, a husky cross, adopted from an accidental litter by a husky mother and a golden retriever father. She is no 3 from a litter of 8. And so I stopped at 2, my family is now complete with Hana and Pika.

To be sure, life with 2 babies at home was not easy. From house breaking to obedience training, it was a journey filled with both toils and sweat. House breaking was the toughest, I still remember crying over having to clean the floor for the tenth time in the same day when they are still confused over what to do when they need to go. It took me one whole week for day and night cleaning before Hana got the idea. And thank God it only took Pika, the cleverer one, couple of days to get the same. Indeed, those were the darkest days of our lives. Obedience training was another tough one, from teaching of simple commands such as sit, stay, to the tough ones such as heel and about turn. I felt like I was training a circus full of pigs, that all that I got were blank stares and panicked looks. Little did I know that it was through such hardship, toils and sweat that strong bonds were built between us. We were inseparable from then on.

My labour finally paid off after they grew out of their puppy age. Hana and Pika turned out to be the bright sparks in the family. They inject life to an otherwise lonely house of a homo sapien by their silly games such as tag of war or chasing your tails. Imagine being greeted by yelps from behind the door even before you step into the house and opening the door to 2 ecstatic kids celebrating your return by bringing their favorite toys to you and leaping up and down. It is as though your presence is everything to them and you are the only person they ever wanted in their whole life. It feels good to be needed!

Over the years we got so used to each other's mannerism that every glance, every expression and every move is immediately understood. When I am angry at them there is no need to shout, I just need to stare into their eyes and they will hung their tails between their legs. When I am sad and sat there crying, they will come and gently put their heads on my lap. They never need to say a word but it was all the comfort I needed. However, be not deceived! Dogs are naturally born opportunists. They play you at their fingertips with their pearly eyes and pitiful look. Your heart will melt when that happens and you ended up giving in to them, usually with a treat in your hand.

Some say that dogs make better companions that humans, and I fully agree. Where would you find a person that never talks back at you no matter how much you scold them? Dogs are gentle creatures and wait patiently for you to give them just a little bit more attention and that’s all they ever really asked for. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope tonight, I have given you a taste of the joy of being a dog owner, and I hope you are now motivated to adopt one yourself.  Just remember though, dogs are for life, your love for them will be reciprocated million folds, and you will find that while they needed you to take care of them, it is our four-legged companions that complete our lives. 

Thank you. Toastmaster of the evening.

Self-evaluation - did a fairly good job at memorizing the speech, but neglected on timing the speech delivery. Found out it is too short during actual delivery and had to improvise additional content; which resulted in incoherence and a lot of fillers.

Missed out on the Ah-counter report this time, but I am so sure it is a record high.

Cheese - Red Leicester

An English Cheese - Red Leicester

I have always been a cheese lover, cheddar was my first love, for it was the most common cheese available. My colleague, many moon's back, introduced me to varieties other than cheddar after I started working. Red leicester was something that I kinda liked, since it is so similar to cheddar, only slightly more orange in colour. Annatto, aparently a very common food colouring extracted from the seed of the achiote tree, found in the Caribbeans, added to the typical cheddar taste, a peppery nutmeg edge. It made in more interesting that the more cheddar.

I came across this McLelland's at the supermarket today, and decided to pick it up. I was particularly surprised at how smooth the taste came out to be, especially if it is parted with a medium bodied red, which I conveniently have a bottle on hand. I find this cheese best at room temperature rather than when it is harder, coming out straight from the fridge. Certainly it is a perfect accompaniment to a late night cap before bedtime.

What Woman Wants

This joke was circulated to me just for laughs, but it triggered quite a lot of discussion on why it is difficult to understand what woman wants. Honestly, the situation applies to man as well. In essence do we know for sure what anyone really want? Sometimes we don't even know what we ourselves want, let alone expecting others to know what we want. If we really want to know, start by knowing ourselves better first...

Young King Arthur

was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.The question was: 'What do women really want?' 

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princes, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but first he would have to agree to her price.The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.

But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?' She said, 'A woman wants to be in charge of her own life.' 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was sitting by the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth become her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and be the beautiful maiden the other half.

'Which would you prefer?' She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day .... or at night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous moments with?

And Lancelot's choice is given below...
BUT... please make YOUR choice first before you scroll down below... ?

Knowing the answer the witch gave to Arthur for his question,
Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

 Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time..
Because, he hadrespected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is themoral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is 'witch' in every woman, no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly! 

So, be careful how you treat a woman and always remember:

IT IS EITHER ' HER WAY ' OR  ' NO WAY ' !!